The Definitive Guide To Ethical Unicorn Hunting
If you must do it, here's how. Unicorns, you're welcome.
What is a unicorn and why would you hunt one?
Unicorn (n.) singular.
1. a mythical animal typically represented as a horse with a single straight horn projecting from its forehead.
2. something that is highly desirable but difficult to find or obtain.
3. In queer, non-monogamous, and dating app spaces, a bisexual woman who would sleep with or date a straight couple.
Unicorn Hunters (n.) plural. always plural.
The straight couples who are searching for a bisexual woman to join them for a threesome or a relationship.
Why would a couple want to hunt a unicorn? And why would someone sign up for the position?
Well, the FMF threesome is a longstanding fantasy in our collective psyches. It’s featured heavily in porn and is a go-to image when a lot of people first picture what non-monogamy could be like. There are some problematic reasons for this, like the objectification of women’s bodies, but there are less nefarious motivations as well. For one thing, there are a lot of bisexual women in straight relationships. This arrangement is attractive to couples who share a desire to be with another woman and want to experience it together.
And this arrangement might appeal to a single woman for many reasons. Maybe she enjoys the attention and feeling of being special that she gets from fulfilling a couples’ fantasy. Maybe she wants to date people who have their shit together but who aren’t looking for a primary relationship.
Regardless of the motivations, these arrangements do, in fact happen, even though the scenario is much derided in poly/kinky/queer spaces.
Why the hate?
Unicorn Hunters are easy to make fun of. In fact, the name is already a jab. It conveys the unlikeliness of success paired with a naivety that stems from some unexamined entitlement, a bit of problematic objectification, and some deep misunderstandings about the communities that practice non-monogamy. I personally found so much humor to mine in the concept that I wrote a whole song about it.
So, we all know how to make fun of unicorns, but does that mean that every time a couple wants to date or sleep with a woman, it’s problematic? No! And I’m here to tell you how to do it and not be an asshole. Let’s take some of the ways that couples usually fuck this up, and then we’ll look at what you should be doing instead.
Inappropriate unicorn hunting in the wrong spaces
A classic negative trope is unicorn hunters going to lesbian spaces to find their dreamy third. Not only is this based on the wildly uninformed assumption that lesbians would be even the slightest bit interested in hooking up with a man (even when the tantalizing prospect of a straight-identifying woman is there to sweeten the deal) but it’s not what the space is about.
Similarly, kink munches and a polyamory community meetups are also generally not spaces for cruising, even though you might meet people who would theoretically be open to such an arrangement. So what are these sex-oriented spaces for, then, if not to find prospective sexual partners? They’re for building community. This is a phrase you’ll hear a lot in the non-monogamy space, and it might sound a little vague, so let me try to define it a little.
Though interest in (or identification with) non-monogamy, kink and queerness are certainly on the rise, the people in these communities are still in the minority. We need spaces where we can feel normal, make friends, seek support from other people who understand what we’re going through, vet potential partners by asking other people about them, and just be in a space that feels welcoming and friendly where we don’t need to filter what we’re talking about.
What you should do instead…
If you’re a straight couple opening up your relationship for the first time, you should go to these spaces! (Well, maybe not the dyke bar.) But you should come with an attitude of making friends and gaining knowledge, not prowling for your third. This will benefit you greatly, especially if your goal is actually having an on-going relationship with a third. You don’t know what you’re doing, and you should meet people who have more experience so that you can have friends to talk to when things get hard or complicated. These are your people! Even if you never sleep with any of them. So get in there and get excited to make new friends.
Go to a swingers’ party. Swingers events are typically for straight couples and single women, and the hookups and interactions tend to be much more focused on sex and one-night-only, so it’s an appropriate place to show up with your unicorn hunting mission. However… you still need to approach this new person as “not merely a means, but as an end in and of themselves” to quote Kant. Even in these spaces, these women are not here for the benefit of a couple, they’re here to have their fantasies fulfilled, and you need to find out what they are and make sure you all actually want the same things, rather than assuming that because she’s at this event she’ll want to participate in whatever specific fantasy the two of you have dreamed up.
Objectifying unicorns
This begins at the searching phase. Couples, especially those who have been together for a long time, are used to centering their own dynamic. Often, when they want to add a third, they’re thinking mainly of what it will add to their existing relationship as opposed to thinking about what this new, unique relationship (or one night threesome) will be. It’s ok to think about the needs and wants that you have as a couple, but it’s not ok to approach an interaction with a new human being as if they are a desire-fulfillment machine unless you’re going to a sex worker, which I list as a possible route below.
Sometimes couples, out of a desire to protect the stability of their partnership, approach a new relationship with a long list of rules. Imagine if you went on a first date with someone and they just presented you with a list of rules. It would seem really controlling, right? Yes, it would. That’s because “rules” (to the extent that they’re helpful at all) should be created collaboratively. No one wants to feel like they’re being interviewed for a job when they begin a relationship. There needs to be room for the unique dynamic between the three of you to reveal itself and grow for all three of you to figure out what works for you.
What you should do instead…
Go to a sex worker. Honestly, a lot of unicorn hunters (as well as the communities that unicorn hunters spend time in) would all probably be happier if more couples did this. If you truly want to use another person purely for your own fun and not have to deal with their desires and emotions, then just hire a sex worker. You can create the dream scenario and you can schedule it conveniently. And if it’s great, you can keep going back! And if you’re not into it anymore, you can stop! If you want that level of control, the ethical thing to do is pay someone for their time who has consented to an arrangement where they are performing a service.
If, however, you don’t want to go that route, and you want to genuinely connect with and/or date a woman as a couple, then you’ll need to approach it with a different mindset. Create expectations and norms collaboratively with your new date rather than handing your unicorn a list of predetermined rules. This process starts by learning about each other. My main advice is this: Have your couples’ relationship talk about what you’re seeking, what your boundaries are, etc… and then once you start dating, try to throw all those agreements away and start fresh with this new person. You’d be surprised what rules you thought were non-negotiable suddenly become negotiable because they won’t work for someone you’re really into. That’s ok. New relationships change us and open us up. That’s kinda the point of this whole thing. Embrace the idea that this will all be new and check in frequently with all parties involved to make sure that everyone’s feeling respected and fulfilled. That’s really what matters here.
Unicorn Abuse
Couples who are dating women have a reputation for treating them like crap. This can look a lot of different ways but it often takes the shape of, once again, treating the straight couples’ relationship as if it’s the focus and treating the unicorn like she’s an accessory. It’s ok to have prior commitments and priorities but it’s not ok to treat another person like their time or their heart doesn’t matter. Here are some shitty things you shouldn’t do.
Canceling on your unicorn because you two need time alone
Not introducing your unicorn to anyone in your life, even if you’ve been dating for a while
Ganging up on your unicorn in relationship talks. Using phrases like “we’ve decided that…”
Only making time to have sexy dates with your unicorn. Not making time to just hang out like you might with a regular partner
Expecting availability and flexibility from your unicorn that you don’t provide yourselves
Asking your unicorn to be helpful in ways you don’t reciprocate (i.e. provide babysitting, helping around the house, etc…)
The above are all things that couples might do with a unicorn that they would probably never do with a partner in a 2-person relationship, and it stems from not seeing the dynamic with this person as a whole relationship, but as a supplement to their existing “real relationship.” This is a mindset that couples entering into non-monogamy are often not yet ready to challenge, and I’d argue that if that’s the case, then dating someone else is unethical. It’s ok to make mistakes while you’re learning, but if you’re not committed to the idea that this new relationship is worthy of its own unique attention, separate from the needs of your primary relationship, then it’s not cool to date another person. The “how” of this is not easy, and I have a whole other essay brewing about my thoughts on hierarchical polyamory but for now, suffice it to say, if you think the above actions are ok, or that you require the freedom to do them, then once again, I’m going to refer you to my fabulous idea of hiring a sex worker.
I should also say that I’ve only listed a few things above that are uniquely shitty things that couples do to their unicorns, and there are many more, but there are also the run of the mill abusive behaviors that sometimes play out in these relationships, which may or may not be present in the primary partnership. Things like…
Controlling behavior, telling the unicorn what they can and can’t do or who they can and can’t have sex with
Emotional punishment when the couple isn’t getting the sex or fun they wanted
Consent violations of various kinds
Not prioritizing the unicorn’s sexual desires
Verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse
Obviously all of these things are totally not ok. And it can be super confusing if the relationship between the primary couple is devoid of these toxic dynamics. But if you notice that this is happening, it’s important to immediately identify it as such and get help.
What you should do instead…
All of the above are reasons why building your non-monogamous community is important. You need people around who can call you on this stuff, and unicorns need people around who see what’s going on and advocate on their behalf, or validate their complaints. So if you’re in this dynamic and you have no polyamorous friends, go back in time and make some before you attempt this relationship structure.
In all interactions with your unicorn, ask yourself the following questions, “Would I treat my partner this way?” and “Would I treat a good friend this way?” You might not give equal time and attention to your unicorn that you do to your primary partner or your closest friends, but if you’re treating them in a way that you would never treat someone else you really cared about, you need to stop and ask yourself why you think it’s ok to do it now. It probably isn’t!
More Research
Did I call this essay definitive? That was click bate. Apologies. This lil essay is nothing. You need to do real research. Here are my rec’s.
Books
More Than Two: Cultivating Nonmonogamous Relationships with Kindness And Integrity by Eve Rickert & Andrea Zanin (The second edition is coming out in September! I’m reading an early manuscript and it’s amazing!)
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern
Getting It: A Guide to Hot, Healthy Hookups & Shame-Free Sex by Allison Moon
(For parents) Polyamory & Parenthood: Navigating Non-Monogamy As Parents Of Young Children by Jessica & Joseph Daylover
Podcasts
Dating Apps
Good luck out there!
Drink water! And don’t be a dick!
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Before I get into fun stuff, I want to acknowledge the horrific genocide in Gaza that is currently underway and offer two small but tangible ways you can help.
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🪶Rachel Lark
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