Is Valentine's Day Too Edgy For You, Bro?

On the holiday that separates the lovers from the haters

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Dear Valentine’s Day Haters,

I have a question for you. What do you gain by hating this holiday so?

Notice, I’m not asking you why you hate it. I know why you hate it. The rationales are endless. If I asked that, you’d gleefully launch into a well-rehearsed rant full of well-reasoned arguments. You’d have no problem explaining how Valentine’s Day commercializes romantic love and equates affection with consumerism. You’d cite examples of ad copy that presume conventional, heterosexual monogamous dyads, erasing swaths of queer and polyamorous culture in the process. You’d roll your eyes at the narrow, cheesy conception of romance that the holiday perpetuates. Chocolates? Boring. Flowers? Waste of money! You do know those grow in the ground, right? Dinner reservations? Who cares? Lingerie? Grow up. You’re more of a… go for a hike, take a tab of acid, drink whiskey in a brown bag and sneak into the rock show kinda person. Lovers, keep up, ok? You don’t need a holiday to tell you how to love and you pity the people who do.

I apologize for denying you the pleasure of going off on this rant you love to recite. I can see how good it makes you feel to paint us Valentine’s lovers as Hallmark dupes and yourself as some kind of countercultural vanguard, holding down the eye-rolling fort while the sheep around you lose their minds. But I’ve heard this response so many times, you see. And I’m no longer curious. What I’m genuinely curious about, my good sir (‘cause let’s face it, only dudes feel this passionately about hating Valentine’s Day), is what do you actually gain by abstaining from this collective celebration of love, romance and sex?